open and closed, open and closed

I need to get this out before I try to go back to bed for an hour or two, mainly because it's what keeps going around in my head very - very - early this morning. As happy as I am to have Josh, I am in the process of grieving that this will not be an open adoption. And I'm frustrated because I have no one to talk to about it that understands even a little bit. Josh's birthmom wants us to send pictures and letters to the agency once a month for six months, and then once a year until Josh is 18. If she wants to receive those pictures, and letters, she will contact the agency and have them send my packages to her. I'm not expecting her to contact the agency. His birthmom, D, flew into Utah on Saturday, birthed Josh at 4:24 am on Sunday, and couldn't wait to get out of town on the next flight available - Tuesday morning. It's almost like she wanted to pretend like this never happened. Like Josh never happened. I know there are different kinds of openness in adoptions. I read on an adoptive parent profile last week that the family wanted an open adoption. Their definition of open was exchanging pictures and letters twice a year until age 5. Huh? That's not open to me. In my imagination, I dreamed that we'd have the kind of open adoption where the birth family (and I mean birthdad, birth grandparents, etc., not just the birthmom) would know that they could call us on the phone, get e-mails whenever, and we would see each other when possible (depending on where in the country each family lived). I think an easy way to explain my idea of open was that I expected to add the birthfamily to my family just like what would happen in a marriage, and hoped the birthfamilies would consider me, my husband and older son part of their family, as well. As some friends and family members have asked what kind of adoption this will be, and as I've told them it will be closed and I am still sad about that, I have not had one person try to be comforting or understanding about what I see as a loss for Josh and our family. Every single person has said that we will be better off, Josh will be better off, our future will be easier, etc. And I get frustrated with ignorance. And frustrated with the inability these people are obviously having to open their minds about the open direction that so many healthy adoptions are headed now. Sure, it's a very real possibility that an adoption that starts out as the open I described above could go very bad. I understand that. I understand that I imagined a utopia of all adoption possibilities for what I would like. I understand I could have recieved the phone call about Josh and then turned him down so we could wait longer for the ideal open situation. I understand and take responsibility for all of that. I'm just still sad for what won't be.